What Are You Searching For?
by Allison Watts
What are you searching for? Profound, right? But really, it is. Here's why: Our minds play tricks on us by answering the question, "What am I searching for?" with things like success, happiness, balance, etc. But what do those answers really mean?
When we get an answer, say success, we need to ask ourselves, "What would that give me?" and when we get that answer, we need to ask again, "What would that give me?" and keep asking until we come up with what's really underneath. What we are really seeking is an understanding of our values.
I strongly believe one of the most important components of success is living in alignment with our values. I have done values clarification so many times and maybe you have, too… I have claimed values others listed thinking "Yeah, that's an important value for me, too." I've come up with my own and tried to live by them. I have explored them and attempted to discover what was most important to me many different ways and been told many things about values.
I have been told that we are ALWAYS living in alignment with what we really value (our money and our time follow what we care about most, even if it's not conscious). I've also been told that you can live out of alignment with your core values and if you do, it's like torture. I've been told values can change and I've been told that our core values never really change.
I believe how much we value one thing over another may change during different stages of life, but the things we value likely change very little throughout our lives. I also believe we always live in alignment with what we really value, even if it's unconscious. I also believe you can live out of alignment with what you say you want and it is miserable.
Our values come from several sources, our culture, parental and familial influences, teachers, friends, and other environmental influences such as television, the internet and other media. Most of our values remain at the unconscious level. We don't spend conscious time deciding if the things we see and hear are valuable to us. We rarely question most of the values that we live by. So we are in essence living quite unconsciously….
These are two questions that now need to be answered:
- How do we identify our values and make our unconscious values conscious
- How do we live by the in alignment with what we really want/value?
Knowing what our values are and learning to live by them is one of the most powerful ways to decrease stress levels and gain inner peace. This doesn't just apply to the big decisions, but our everyday choices as well.
As an example, consider a man who deeply values his relationship with his wife and kids. He is a family man. But frequently, he works long hours and misses dinner with his family. He sometimes works through his kids sports events. What is happening here? He may have conflicting values — family and financial security (or whatever work represents for him). This likely drives him crazy, causes him stress and makes his family feel they are secondary to work.
How can he solve this dilemma?
By getting as clear as possible on what's most important to him, prioritizing them and communicating them.
It's okay if financial security or providing for his family is most important. If he can identify that clearly without judgment, that's the best for everyone. Then figure out what his beliefs are about what that means? What do they really need? How will he know he's successful? What's the dollar amount he needs to provide to feel secure? Here's the other challenge. He may have a fear of intimacy or discomfort about his ability to parent and work may also be a way to avoid those things (this may be the value of safety or achievement). So many factors come into play here. The more self-aware we are and conscious we become, the more we can make good choices. Let's unravel this…
Finding Out What's Most Important–Our Values
For us to make positive change in the direction of our true path, there are several beliefs that we must firmly maintain in our minds that will support us as we begin this journey. Here are these beliefs:
1. We are capable of changing now. Regardless of our current situation, we have the capacity and the ability to make any changes that we feel are appropriate.
2. If we are going to create long-term change in our lives, we are responsible. Nobody else is going to do it for us. It requires our own decision, motivation and action.
3. If we set our sights in a new direction and then move confidently in that direction, we will successfully arrive near the place we wanted to go.
Henry David Thoreau wrote: "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success in uncommon hours."
4. We must be certain that our values determine our actions and behaviors. We may not be clear about what we value, but our choices are dependent on what we feel is important to us. In other words, all decision-making is based on values clarification.
Let's get back to the question from above: How do we identify our values and make our unconscious values conscious?
These are some steps to do just that:
- Start to question everything. Ask yourself why you made the choice you did. Ask, "What do I believe this will give me?" and the next layer: "And what will that give me?" until you come up with the bottom-line answer.
- Values clarification exercises are helpful. Do several kinds. I have a few or you can find them online. Get as clear as you can on your top 10 or so. I recommend the vision worksheets (and the whole book) on pp. 218-219 of "The Power of Full Engagement". Definitely worth buying and reading.
- Look at how you spend your time and money. Look at your results. Look at your decisions. If they shock you, look for conflicting values or unconscious ones, like autonomy, which plays out depending on your definition.
- Ask friends and family what they see as your values. What you they think is most important to you? This one takes guts for some of us.
- Do this at least once a year.
The second question is: How do we begin to live by them?
- Prioritize your list. Not based on what you want them to be, but what they really are.
- Start making decisions based on them.
- Align the parts of your life with your values.
- Review them daily or at least weekly and create some structures to support you in remembering them and to live by them (ex. day planner, notes around the house or office, screen saver, etc).
- Communicate them mainly to yourself, your family, friends and coworkers often. When in a conversation, it comes in handy to know what really matters to us — what we will and won't budge on.
What this all means is that the process of values clarification is inherently messy and inexact. It's also a uniquely individual experience. You cannot objectively prove that one set of values is any better or worse than another, but you can begin to see patterns over time, and these patterns can help point you in the direction of your true values. Honoring and living in alignment with these will lead to more peace and fulfillment, especially if you can make them all work together and align them with universal principles.
To sum this up in three simple steps, discover and live by your values by 1. Clarifying 2. Prioritizing 3. Communicating
Make it a great day and create the day in alignment with your values — Have fun!