Beliefs That Kill, Beliefs That Empower
by Allison Watts
Beliefs can kill. They can kill our confidence, our passion, our dreams, our relationships, our joy and literally, they can kill us, slowly or quickly…. When I say beliefs kill, mostly I’m talking about our beliefs about ourselves and those about the world.
I don’t matter, mistakes are not ok, there's something wrong with me, I'm not ok, I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I’m not lovable, I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve it, I'm not…., I’m a loser, it’s hopeless, things will never change, no one understands, I feel so alone, no one cares, I’m ugly, no one gets me. The world sucks, people can’t be trusted, the world is a tough place, life’s too hard, it’s lonely at the top, it’s not worth it, things will never change. There are so many more….
As a kid, I literally got told many of these things but, we don’t have to be told. Picture a 5 year old boy who wets his pants in school and the teacher shames him in front of the class. He will now, from that event, make some conclusions about himself and his world. He may think “I’m stupid” or “there’s something wrong with me”. Some of it depends on what was said to him and some of it depends on his own interpretations and previous experiences, especially if he’s had any similar ones….
Why am I writing this? I am sharing this because I feel quite qualified and compelled. We’ve had 3 suicides in our community in the last 2 months. Since the people who actually commit suicide can’t share with us what they were thinking and feeling (unless they wrote it out for us), those of us who have had those dark thoughts and feelings can speak about it. I have on so many occasions, especially as a teenager felt so powerless and had so many of the thoughts above (if not all of them) that it was just too painful. I didn’t know how to deal with the pain, didn’t know if and when it would end, and felt I had no one to talk to that would understand.
A lot of us and our kids are hurting. I feel very close to this issue because I struggle too. Sometimes I feel distant from people, even my own family and kids and I hope they know how much I love them, but I don’t know what to say or how to tell them. I wasn’t taught how to deal with emotions growing up, so I’m learning at 42. We are all pretty isolated at times, running here and there. We all have our own interests…. It can feel very alone. Our electronics (cell phones, computers, ipods, ipads and TV’s) make it worse. It can be awkward to try to change our habits and patterns, but I believe it can literally save our lives.
As very small children, we are all pure — we just feel what we feel and know what we want and need. We are like sponges and our subconscious minds just accept whatever we see and hear. So, around age two when we start becoming more independent and as we get older, the world starts to teach us right/wrong, good/bad, what we should and should not be and do. Up until age six, we just takes it all in as if it’s true, without question. We don’t question it — it just goes into our subconscious mind. We also make up meanings, like the 5-year old above did. (I’m stupid, there’s something wrong with me, etc). The meaning makes sense to us and we think it’s true at the time.
The problem is we carry these meanings we created as a child, that may or may not serve us, into our teen and adult years and sometimes keep them our whole lives. We may never question them and then we go on to teach our kids those same beliefs.
Here’s the issue – our subconscious mind (all those beliefs from when we were young) is pretty much running the show. It is like a“program” running in in the background. Our subconscious programs trump our conscious ones every time. Most of the programs in our subconscious we are not conscious of. That’s the rub. If we’re not conscious of it, how do we address it? How can we change it?
First, we can become conscious of it by looking at our results. If we are not getting the results we want, we can bet there’s a belief behind it.
We also can just begin to question our beliefs in general. Many of our beliefs stay with us and don’t change because we have collected a lot of evidence to prove to ourselves that what we believe is true and that we’re right. We skew things, but we don’t even know we’re doing it. We see life through a filter. We believe what we believe IS THE TRUTH (and it is…to us). It is our truth.
If you ask someone else, they may see it differently and they believe just as strongly in their truth as you do yours. So who’s right? The answer is no one. There are many ways to see things and many possible meanings. Unless we look at these beliefs, meanings, stories and versions of the truth and ask, “Is that really true?”, “Is there another possibility?”, we will continue to experience that reality, even if it’s not what we want.
If we have beliefs that are not serving us, we can choose something different. If we do not like the outcomes we are getting, we can choose differently.
There’s an equation I really like, E + A + R = O: (Event + Assumptions + Response = Outcome). The event may be something that just happens, say we lose the game or get fired or get ill… it could be something we have NO control over. Assumptions are our beliefs and stories about that event, ourselves, others, the “system”, life, etc. We have influence over our attitude/assumptions about things. We just need to be conscious that we have a choice because the response we have (action we take) comes from our assumptions. The outcome we get comes from that.
Where we have the most power is our assumptions/beliefs. We actually have a lot of power! We just need to recognize it and learn to harness it.
I beg you, be willing to look at yourself, question your own beliefs, question what you believe about your family members, yourself, the world, other people, money, work, time, values, etc. Don’t just unconsciously believe what you were “taught” or the opposite of that (“I’m never going to be like my mother”). Be as intentional as you can about your view of the world, not only in what you say, but by what you do. I know it’s scary. I know we all have our own needs we are trying to get met…
If we take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions, we can make better choices and influence those around us in a healthier, better way.
Here are some ideas for becoming more aware and owning your power!
- Question your beliefs. See Byron Katie’s work for a great guideline on this. www.byronkatie.com
- Consider doing shadow work – dark and light. Get comfortable with all of who you are and all of who others are, without judgment. This has taught me more about how to love unconditionally than anything else. I recommend life-coaching with an integrative coach or reading Debbie Ford’s book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” to get started. www.debbieford.com
- Empower each other to love, trust and believe in themselves
- Remind ourselves and those around us to talk to God and to listen to God, or whatever higher power you believe in
- Be vulnerable with people, don’t act like you’ve got it all together
- Feelings – learn to be with all the different emotions in yourself and others. Emotional education is so needed today in our society. Most of us are not comfortable with our own emotions or those of others
- Listen to understand the unique perspective of others. They do not see things the same way we do. What may seem obvious to us is not to them. If we really listen, we can learn from THEM!<them.</them.
Here are some ways to question your beliefs!
Complete these sentences (I recommend doing this in the areas where you have stress and pain):
I am_________. Life is________. My family is________. My mom is________. My dad is_______. Money is_______. Girls are__________. Boys are__________. Work is_________. School is__________. People are_________. You get the idea….
Dig deep here. Keep looking deeper and deeper and you will come up with some interesting things.
For each belief above, ask yourself 4 questions (from Byron Katie’s “The Work” www.byronkatie.com ):
- Is it true?
- Can you absolutely know that it's true?
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
Turn around the concept you are questioning, and be sure to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.
An example of a turnaround is: Let’s say the belief you want to work on is with your mother and you believe “she hates me.” You would ask yourself the 4 questions, then make the turnaround statements, where you change it around and look at it. Turnarounds for this one would be “I hate her”, “I hate myself” and “she loves me”.
When I do this, it helps me see that the turnarounds are just as true sometimes as the story I was believing before I went through this process. Byron Katie has free worksheets and videos on her website. Her book, “Loving What Is” is great too! This stuff really works!
Most of our beliefs aren’t even ours. They come from someone else — our parents, family members, friends, church, school, TV, music, etc. We learned them from someone, maybe someone today if you thought about it, you wouldn’t even want to be like.
Look at your beliefs and run them through your own filter. By that, I mean check in with yourself and see what YOU truly believe… Do a “gut check”. At least once a day, get quiet and just be. Turn everything off (TV’s, music, phones, etc) and listen to your own internal voice. Review your day, especially times when you felt a little uncomfortable or uneasy, and ask yourself what your intuition was telling you to do. When you get quiet, you may find you have two internal dialogues — one is your heart and the other, your head/mind. We all have them both. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference, but just keep practicing, you’ll learn to discern.
One of the challenges is that in our culture, we have learned to trust our minds (the things we think are real, what we can see, etc) much more than our hearts (intuition). Most of the time, our hearts are right…. Learn to question your mind and the things it is telling you. Your heart knows the truth.
My heart guides me when I listen to it. My parents used to tell me, “Your not feeling that.” or “That’s ridiculous!” when I talked about my feelings… and I believed them. So I learned to tune out my own internal voice at a very early age. I didn’t trust myself or my own thoughts and feelings. I trusted what the outside world told me!!! I am just now learning how to listen to it again. Don’t let this happen to you.
I’d love for you to trust yourself and feel empowered to be yourself. To feel confident in the real you and love yourself from the inside out! I’d love for you to go through life not worrying about what others think and just being the best you you can be. There is no one else like you. You are amazing and no one else knows what you should think or feel. Follow your heart. Step into your power. Change your beliefs and it changes your world!
Beliefs can kill, but they can also empower! Choose empowering ones. (If you forget, don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes it takes time to change a habit. Have grace and be patient with yourself).