Are You The Problem?
by Allison Watts
When we have “problems” in our office, we sometimes think it’s the patients or the staff or the economy or something… and sometimes it is. However, sometimes there is something we are doing to create the problem. We may actually be the problem. How do we know?
As an example, I had an associate in my office years ago who just didn’t work out. Toward the end, I felt we just weren’t on the same page. I had all kinds of stories to explain why it didn’t work and most of them justified me and made my associate and some of the team “the problem”.
What happened here? I can tell you that as time has passed, I’ve had more and more awareness about what really happened and since she left, I have realized that I was much of the problem. Here’s what I would do differently:
1. I would try to clarify what I truly want, be honest with myself about it and communicate it clearly to others. Also, clarify and figure out what I don’t want or what I’m afraid to say or do and why.
2. I would try to understand her and what she really wants instead of assuming I know because of the observable actions (which are filtered through my perception).
3. I would have honest communication more often to try to achieve clarity and understanding whether we agree or not.
4. Realize it is not helpful to try to be right and make others wrong.
5. Realize that making any of this about control or power is not conducive to positive relationships.
6. Remember that learning can occur through conversation, even if we don’t agree. In fact, more learning occurs if we don’t… learning about the perceptions, perspectives, assumptions and contradictions that go with being human. It’s really all about growth and awareness.
I was definitely not my best self in that relationship, especially toward the end. It could have been different. I realize that relationships are intricate, complex and usually have a lot of old history distorting them. Often we think or say things like, ”You always…” or “You never…!“ We see them a certain way and believe it. We create stories about how they are, how we are and how “it is”, then we see everything through those filters as if they’re true. It’s much like wearing a pair of colored glasses that tint everything that color.
When I’m coaching dentists and their practices, I find that the biggest challenges are actually problems with relationships. There are usually a lot of stories from the past being brought up in these cases. Often the parties just want to be heard. And often, even though everyone is wanting to be heard, no one is actually listening! And a lot of times, most of the talking being done are things like, “I only did that because you did this.” or “I was sick of you doing ______!” These statements are justifications for actions based on what someone else did. That is not what mature adults do!
Adults take the time to think about their values, vision, beliefs and purpose so they can respond rather than react. Once we know who we are, we can think about how we want to represent who we are by what we say and do. Alignment and integrity are either present or they are not. Mature adults take it even a step further–they monitor their own behavior by asking themselves questions. These two questions are helpful:
• As the day begins, ask yourself: “What will I bring to this day that exhibits my highest and best self in every way possible in every relationship?”
• As the day ends, ask yourself: “What did I do today that demonstrated my highest and best self in every way possible in every relationship?”
Questions like this develop us. This is our own inner work.
The next step then, is to look at your relationship challenges with new eyes. Instead of starting by looking at their behavior, reflect on your own. Were you your best self in the situation that is now coming between you? It’s likely the answer is no because you were reacting. That’s old behavior you learned, and you can unlearn it!
Once you do your own work and take responsibility for your part, you will shift to a place of power instead of reactivity and victim (yuck, I hate that word!). You will move toward having the courage to bring your new self to your life and your relationships. That means no matter what anyone does or says, you can still make a conscious, powerful choice to be yourself.
As you do this, there is a very good chance your relationships will improve and likely become more than you ever thought possible. Things will begin to change right away, but someone has to go first. Let it be you.
